My body has changed, and I'm not freaking out about it
If you've followed me for awhile or listened to the podcasts I've been a guest on, you know that I've had a rocky relationship with food and my body. In high school I struggled with an eating disorder and throughout my college years I struggled with disordered eating, not knowing that there was any way out of the anxiety, shame, and guilt I felt around food. It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I stumbled upon Intuitive Eating. I actually blogged about the beginning stages of that learning experience here and here.
Since then, my life has changed drastically for the better. I can truly say that I live life without the fear of food. I am able to walk in freedom regarding the choices I make around food and exercise. And I am so so grateful for the change that has occurred in my actions, and more importantly, my heart. I was a prisoner, in bondage to food and what it would do to the size of my body. My life revolved around controlling my food and punishing my body with exercise. Whew! What a relief that is no longer my life!
As part of the intuitive eating process, I let go of the dieting facade. I stopped believing the lie that I could control my weight through "trying hard enough" and limiting my food choices. I realized that my constant thoughts about food, cravings for sweets, and episodes of overeating were a direct result of restricting the foods I wanted and not giving my body enough energy. I started to trust that my body would regulate its weight through regulating my appetite, cravings for food, and desires for movement. I didn't freak out when I overate because I knew my body would naturally compensate later during the day, week, or month (so I didn't have to). But I also let go of the idea of having a perfectly chiseled body with very little body fat. I had to, in a way, mourn the body that I had for so long strived to achieve. I came to realize that the only way to achieve that body was through severe restriction and agonizing time at the gym. I decided I would rather have a life and freedom over that elusive, perfect body.
Over the last year I've let go of the reigns when it comes to food and exercise. I've decreased the amount and intensity of what I do. I listen to it when its tired. I notice when something is hurting. I also listen to my cravings and eat food that satisfies my mouth, body, and mind. And as a result, my body has changed. I have gained weight and am less toned. For some of you, that idea is absolutely terrifying. It freaked me out too for 8 long years. But I've come to realize that there are more important things in life than what my body looks like. I don't even know if this current size is my body's new normal size. I'm not exactly sure where my weight is going to end up, but I am confident that it will stabilize and that whatever that weight is it will be healthy for me because I am taking care of my body.
Not my original quote. I first saw this quote on Maddie Moon's instagram.
I'm not going to say it's been the easiest or that I absolutely love my body. I've definitely had to process through these changes. And there are times that my husband has to remind me to speak truths to myself rather than the harsh lies I'm buying into. Changing the way I see my body is something that I've had to work on and will continue to work on with regards to helping me to accept my new, healthy body size. A few of my thoughts as I've been on this journey?
The first is just that. My body (and mind) are finally healthy. For the first time since I was a sophomore in high school I am finally having a period without the help of hormones. A sophomore!! Physicians never seemed to think it was a big deal, but it's obvious to me now that my body wasn't spending energy on reproduction because I wasn't giving it enough food and was exercising too intensely. My Raynauds wasn't nearly as bad this winter and my toes were so much happier :-). Additionally, my body temperature regulation is SO much better. I actually enjoy it to be a little chilly now. These are things I have to remind myself of when I start to become dissatisfied with my new extra weight. I feel so much better physically in my body now.
I've also had to come to the realization that it is unrealistic for me to expect to have the same sized body now as I did in high school. For goodness sakes! It's okay for me to have a woman's body, because that's what I am, a woman, not a girl. I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty for allowing my body to be the size it is supposed to be at this stage in life. Eating disorders often onset during adolescent years when our body's are changing and maturing. We need to do a better job of preparing girls for puberty and having different bodies and of letting them know that these new bodies are good.
When I look in the mirror and I see my now larger arms or slightly bigger love handles, I remind myself what it represents. It doesn't represent laziness, being out of control, being less valuable, a source of shame or disgust, etc. It represents my new life and all of its experiences. It represents cozy coffee dates with a friend (or by myself), spontaneous walks to braums for ice cream with my husband, going to social situations and not worrying ahead of time about the food or bringing my own, sleeping in on Saturday mornings, and trying new foods and new experiences. It represents LIFE. What a beautiful reminder to have with me all the time.
I haven't had to buy new clothes yet, but I am definitely noticing a difference in the way that my pants fit. I've been wearing more stretchy pants or tights to work because jeans are less comfortable. I plan to buy new clothes to fit my body. Unlike what our society says, I'm not "giving up" or "accepting defeat" by being okay with my new size, getting rid of too small clothing, and buying new clothes. Instead, I'm choosing to respect my body by covering it with comfortable and stylish clothes that make be feel good both physically and emotionally.
It's okay that my body has gotten bigger--I forced it to be too small for far too long. And it's okay for your body to get bigger or softer too. Being healthy doesn't mean that we have to have a certain BMI or body fat percentage. I can tell you that I am the healthiest I have ever been physically, mentally, and emotionally, and that is all the result of easing up on food and exercise and gaining weight. Being healthy does mean that I feed my body the types and amounts of foods that is right for it in that moment, that I move my body in a way that energizes, strengthens, or relaxes me, that I connect with those around me, and that I have the freedom to do the things I truly want to do because my body is no longer holding me back. How about we pursue that kind of health together, regardless of what that means our waist size will be.
P.S. Listening to Intuitive Eating podcasts such as Food Psyche, Nutrition Matters, or the Love Food podcasts and following body positive/HAES/IE people on instagram (rather than people posting pictures of themselves in bikinis 🙄) played a huge role as well!
Homemade yogurt in the crockpot
Hello!! 🙋 It's been a while since I've been here (I know, story of my life and this blog) and I thought it was about time I pop in to say hello.
Life has been a little more busy lately with my work schedule picking up (thank the Lord!), tons of family wedding and birthday celebrations, and activities with friends. I'm not overly busy and would like to continue increasing my work hours, but I'm loving all the activities I've been up to lately and cannot complain. With life getting a little busier, I have to be more conscientious about meal planning. It's important to be able to eat what I want when I want it, but in order to do that I have to have a plan so that there IS food around when I want/need it. Flexible meal planning is the name of the game.
One thing I've been doing recently is making my own yogurt for breakfast bowls or snacks. It's not necessary to make you're own, but it's a lot cheaper than store bought and making it myself makes me enjoy it even more. You appreciate the things you put time into. At first, I was super intimidated, but got the hang of it. Now I make it just about every week! Just an FYI, this is a looong process, so I recommend starting it in the early evening so that it can culture overnight (start around 4 pm).
Basically, you heat milk to a certain temperature, cool it to a certain temperature, add in the culture, and then let it sit for 12 hours at a warm temperature. Then you strain it and are left with yummy, homemade yogurt!
A quick word on probiotics. Gut health is definitely a buzz topic right now. While getting my masters, I did research on gut bacteria as it relates to health and I found it absolutely fascinating! Our gut (intestines) contains millions of little bacteria that play a role in a variety of different processes in our body. They have the potential to benefit our bodies through strengthening our immune system, maintaining intestinal tissue health, digesting food in our colon, producing vitamins, killing off harmful bacteria, and FAR more. Researchers are constantly finding out more about the role of certain bacteria in our gut and how they can help or hinder our health and everyday life. With our very stressful lifestyles, lack of proper self-care, lack of adequate nutrition, illness, and use of antibiotics, the types of bacteria in our gut can change and cause various symptoms such as constipation, diarrhea, a weekend immune system, etc. This is why eating cultured foods with beneficial bacteria (probiotics) and foods high in fiber (prebiotics--food for the bacteria) is so important. Hello dairy, fermented foods, whole grains, and veggies! It's another reason why it's super important to get a variety of foods in our diet. A diet high in fat and protein can cause harmful bacteria to overgrow. A diet high in refined carbs can cause harmful bacteria to grow. We need all the food components, people: a balance of protein, carbs, and fat from a variety of food sources.
In the past I have had clients ask me about which probiotic brand I recommend and I wasn't able to really give a recommendation. That's why I thought THIS review was so helpful! It separates fact from fiction and then gives recommendations based on the different criteria that actually matter. I think it does a good job of explaining things in layman's terms, but still uses scientific research to back up their claims. I recommend you check it out!
And now to making your own yogurt. If you've got the time, give it a try and let me know what you think!
Homemade Yogurt in the Crockpot
Ingredients
- 1 gallon 2% or whole milk (yay for creamy yogurt!!)
- 3 Tbsp cultured yogurt (homemade or store bought)
- 1/3 cup honey or maple syrup (optional)
- 2 tsp vanilla extract (optional)
Instructions
- Pour 1 gallon of cow's milk into a crockpot and turn on high for 1-2 hours until it reaches 190 degrees with a food thermometer (I used an instant meat thermometer). This ensures that the proteins denature so that the yogurt can set up.
- Once it reaches 190, turn off the crockpot and leave the lid ajar so that heat can escape until it reaches 110 degrees, the temperature at which the bacteria can grow. (If it’s much hotter than this, it will kill the bacteria.) This will take an hour or two as well.
- Once it cools to 110, remove 1/2 cup of milk and mix in 3 Tbsp cultured yogurt until it is thoroughly combined. Add milk/yogurt mixture back into the crockpot and honey, if using, and lightly stir in zig-zag motions.
- Put the lid back on and wrap a towel around the crockpot (I occasionally turn the crockpot on warm for 5-10 minutes to warm it all back up—but be careful to not let it get too hot). Let it culture for 10-12 hours until it is set and the whey is separated from the yogurt.
- Using a cheesecloth or coffee filter over a strainer, strain the yogurt for about 2 hours so that you are left with a thicker yogurt. I have to divide mine between two strainers. If your yogurt is lumpy after straining, put it in your food processor or blender for a few minutes for a super silky texture!
- PS You can use the whey that separates out in smoothies, muffins, etc. It’s the portion that has a lot of the vitamins and minerals!
- Pour 1 gallon of cow's milk into instapot, press "Yogurt" setting, and adjust pressure to boil.
- Once mixture reaches boiling, put metal insert in a very large bowl with ice and water until milk reaches 110 degrees.
- Remove 1/2 cup of milk and mix in 3 Tbsp cultured yogurt until it is thoroughly combined. Add milk/yogurt mixture back into the crockpot and honey, if using, and lightly stir in zig-zag motions. Put the lid back on and adjust yogurt setting to 8 hours.
- Once yogurt is set, filter yogurt using a cheesecloth or coffee filter over a strainer. Strain the yogurt for about 2 hours so that you are left with a thicker yogurt. I have to divide mine between two strainers. If your yogurt is lumpy after straining, put it in your food processor or blender for a few minutes for a super silky texture!
In case you missed the link above, the probiotic supplement review can be found at http://www.reviews.com/probiotic-supplement/
Some Thoughts on Group Exercise
I love group exercise classes. In fact, I've seriously considered getting my group fitness certification several times. I even switched gyms this past December so that I could go to group classes again because I missed them so much.
I love that I can pick a class depending on what I'm in the mood for or how my body is feeling. I love that it challenges me in ways that I most likely wouldn't do on my own. I get to try new forms of exercises. And it's way more fun/enjoyable than doing a workout at home or on my own. I can dance around a room without feeling dumb because there are 10 other women beside me who don't have a dancing background either. I love that it's an opportunity to make friendships that you wouldn't normally make outside of that class. It's a place you can belong and encourage other women (or men) to pursue health through moving their bodies. So hear me out, I love the concept of group fitness classes and what it can do for your body and mind. However, I also have a few issues with how it can be conducted.
I went to a workout class today, and it really ticked me off, hence the post. Because of my history of abusing my body through restricting food and overexercising in the name of "health," I have to be very careful about what gym I join, which classes I go to, and how the instructor teaches or speaks during the class. Unfortunately, some group instructors cause more harm than good by the things they say and the ideologies they encourage. Here's a few examples of the underlying messages that are sometimes promoted during group exercise classes:
You can't trust your body: "Push HARDER!!" "Work through the pain!" "You are stronger than you think! Your body can go further than your mind thinks it can." These are just a few of the things I have heard in various fitness classes. Although different phrases said in various contexts, the basic premise is the same--you can't trust what your body is telling you. You shouldn't rest when it is tired, instead, you should beat it into submission. You shouldn't go at the intensity that feels good, you must match what everyone else is doing or how hard the instructor tells you to go. In the fitness world, we're constantly told that we just need to work harder and longer, regardless of how our body or mind feels. I would argue that we need to exercise our body intuition muscle more instead.
You need to change your body: "I know it burns, but if you want a tighter butt, you've got to keep going!" Advertisements for a spring break bikini body class. "This exercise is really going to tone _____." This one goes for how most people view exercise in general, but I often hear instructors making comments about how the class is going to change the way our bodies look. But why are they telling me that I'm not good enough and that my body needs to change? I know this is not what they are meaning to tell me, but that is the exact message they are sending. If my body didn't need changing, then there wouldn't be any comments about how the workout is going to do just that.
Reducing exercise down to numbers or making it a punishment for food eaten or lack of movement: "We've burned X amount of calories so far today!" "You all should come to spin, we burn X calories for the entire class." "Did you know it takes 100 burpees to burn off one _______?" "I was so terrible this weekend. I ate ____ and didn't workout at all." I often hear comments about calories eaten or burned. And it's extremely triggering. I've made a lot of peace with exercise and my body. I have had to purposefully shift my focus from exercise for the purpose of burning calories to exercise for the purpose of making me feel good and benefitting my health. This message undermines that work every time (and really ticks me off). These comments are based in guilt and shame, and real health never results from shame.
What you've done isn't enough, you need to do more: "After this class, come to my spin class. And be sure to come to HIIT tomorrow!" "Are you going to yoga after this?" Now I know that the entire reason they promote the next class is because they want/need participants in their classes. But I believe this is more in the self-interest of the instructors rather than the participants (oh boy, I probably just ruffled some feathers there). I also have to say that it's not just instructors that encourage it, I've often heard other women in the room talking about how their going to the next class. And for me, it often makes me feel lazy and as though I am not enough. But there is NO need for me to go to another hour workout class after the hour I just invested sweating, burning (oh how those muscles burn!), and huffing and puffing. There are times when a 20 minute yoga session may be helpful after a hard workout, but I don't need to feel guilty for only doing one class in a day.
And then there's the comparison game...this isn't the instructor's fault, it's a product of our culture and need for personal affirmation, but it's super easy to slip into. How many times have you berated your body because the girl's next to you is stronger, leaner, or faster? How many times have you felt guilty about the amount of exercise you do because someone in the room is talking about all the exercise they do or are going to do? It is so easy to go into a room full of women and compare our outfits, bodies, strength, ability, eating habits, etc. This can be the biggest trip up of all. Because of my propensity to compare and then feel inadequate, I purposefully avoided group fitness for awhile. I needed to be able to take care of my body without external factors influencing how I moved and how I felt about my body. Each of our bodies are different and have different needs. My movement and eating don't need to look like anyone else's. This quote below <3
So, what I would like to hear more of during group fitness?? Talk of the health benefits of movement, such as cardiovascular endurance, bone health, better balance, decreased tension in the body, and improved mood; a focus on strength and functionality and how it benefits our bodies in daily life; dialogue and celebration of what our bodies can do (they're pretty incredible and can do amazing things); encouragement to listen our body; and encouragement to give our body's rest. Let's get back to what movement was for in the first place, whole body health, not making it look a certain way.
I would encourage you to listen to what your group instructor is saying and evaluate whether or not they are helpful to you physically and emotionally. Don't be afraid to break out of the mold and take care of yourself. Only you know what your body needs--listen to it!