2018: Not new you, but your best you

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! It blows my mind that 2017 is already over. I’m incredibly excited about what lies ahead this year while still basking in the joy of the holidays these past few weeks. While thinking about this new year’s time, I started to think about all of the pressure that has been mounting for how we are suppose to change and become a version 2.0 in 2018 (woof, that’s way too much pressure for me). It seems as though our culture identifies growth or becoming a “better” person only with becoming thinner, fitter, and healthier. Yeeshh, what a narrow view—and one that often ends  in disappointment.

So this year, I would like to propose a different goal for 2018—not becoming a more aesthetically pleasing person or a food-pious person, but instead to become the you you want to be (or used to be).   

Growing up, I was such a ham. I LOVED putting on plays and productions for family and friends. I thrived on attention. I was also super creative and enjoyed scrapbooking, making things out of clay, cutting hair (I had a life size Barbie doll head—kinda creepy when you think about it), building miniature towns from foam, and drawing. I was compassionate, and felt emotions strongly (I cried for WEEKS after seeing our high school’s production of flower’s for Algernon).

Somewhere along the way, those characteristics started to fade. My goofiness disappeared and was replaced with perfectionism and worry. My creativity was clouded by thinking more logically and analytically. My emotions were muted. In college I recognized how different I was, but figured it was normal to change as we mature and have life experiences. 

However, as I go through this intuitive eating journey, I’m becoming more of who I used to be. My carefree nature is coming back, and I’m enjoying life a lot more. Things that used to rock my world, just aren’t a big deal anymore. I’ve been freed up to enjoy life without taking it too seriously. I’ve also noticed that I’m WAY more emotional. I cry during every episode of This Is Us (but then again, who doesn’t? You’d have to be heartless...). When people cry, I cry with them. I find that I now experience a whole range of emotions much stronger.

And all of these characteristics came as I loosened my control of food and my body. Letting go of the restraint allowed me to have less anxiety and just enjoy life without having to control every little area. As I stopped restricting, my brain stopped thinking about food all the time, which freed me up to actually feel things. I no longer numb or avoid my feelings using food/restriction. And it’s WONDERFUL!! I missed the person I was as a kid and am so glad to be back. 

Intuitive eating and eating disorder recovery is about more than just food. It impacts every area of your life—freeing you up to live the life you want and be the person you want to be.

With the new year, there is all kinds of talk about becoming a better version of yourself. But what if the “better” version of yourself is actually the old version of yourself before you became bogged down with weight and food concerns? What if the better, more compassionate, more present, more available person is the one that is less concerned with looks and health? What would it look like for you to pursue that rather than what we’re sold all the time?

I’d love to hear how you plan to do this!  

Why we need a point of reference in eating disorder recovery

I’m beginning to learn more about the use of metaphor in eating disorder recovery. Anita Johnston, the author of Eating in the Light of the Moon, stated that metaphor is so powerful because it accesses your the intuition, imagination, and emotions all at the same time. So when you make new discoveries, you create new brain pathways. New brain pathways=new patterns of behavior. Cue the analogy/metaphor (I google searched the difference between the two but didn't understand what it is, so I'm using them interchangeably 🙈)

I was reading my daily devotional the other day and it started by talking about a phenomenon called “museum feet.” I really enjoyed the analogy that it drew and began thinking about how it applied to my own life in various areas. I couldn’t find the phenomenon when I searched online, buuuuut I’m gonna go with it, because I think it can be really helpful. And if my analogy gets lost on you, I apologize…I’m still learning this skill. As the author of the blog described it, “museum feet” is the phenomenon that happens when someone is put into a very large space such as a museum, amusement park, etc. and gets overwhelmed with how vast it is that they just want to leave. They have no idea where they should go or what they should do that they just give up. In order to avoid this, architects put in a large landmark or point of reference. For example, in Disney World, it’s the magic castle. It’s something that people become familiar with and it helps them orient themselves to the new space. For me as a kid, it was the Big Kahuna at our local water park. Every time we would go as a family, my mom would tell me that if I got lost I just needed to go to the big Kahuna. I didn’t have to fear not knowing where she was, I just needed to find the massive water ride and head towards it.

So how does this apply to my life? I‘m in this new stage in which I see all of the possibilities in my career/social media and I also recognize all of the various things I need to do in order to grow in my skills and proficiency, and yet, it is SO overwhelming that I don’t end up doing anything.  In this glorious park I've entered, I don’t want to try a new ride or play a new game, I just want to get back to something I know and find comfort in. There are no clear directions on what steps to take or the order of those steps, so I need my reference point. I need my “Big Kahuna”.

In what other areas do we open the gates of new opportunities and get so flooded with the vastness of uncertainty that we give up and go back to what we know? What do we miss out on in the park because of a lack of reference? In eating disorder recovery or exploration of a life without dieting, it is so easy to get overwhelmed with this newfound space of freedom that it’s too overwhelming. It makes sense that we don’t want to explore what life is like without calorie counting, over-exercising, restricting, overeating, bingeing, purging, etc. because that is what we know. We are familiar with every inch of that small world and incredibly unfamiliar with this new large one.

So what can we do to gain some reference? What landmark can we look to in order to ground us and keep us from feeling overwhelmed and giving up? I think this looks different for every person so you have to figure out what it is for you. Maybe it's personal time in the Word and prayer. Perhaps it’s your dietitian or therapist who points you in the right direction until you become familiar with this new space. Or maybe it’s a mindfulness practice that helps to decrease your anxiety and give you perspective. Maybe it’s developing a realistic, flexible plan that gives you something to refer to. Or perhaps it’s looking to other people who have recovered, are very familiar with the amusement park, and can give you directions. Figure out what can be your landmark so that you don't get so overwhelmed and give up. Discovering and exploring this new world is totally worth it.

How does this analogy/metaphor speak to you (if at all)? How could you apply it to your own life? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

My body has changed, and I'm not freaking out about it

If you've followed me for awhile or listened to the podcasts I've been a guest on, you know that I've had a rocky relationship with food and my body. In high school I struggled with an eating disorder and throughout my college years I struggled with disordered eating, not knowing that there was any way out of the anxiety, shame, and guilt I felt around food. It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I stumbled upon Intuitive Eating. I actually blogged about the beginning stages of that learning experience here and here. 

Since then, my life has changed drastically for the better. I can truly say that I live life without the fear of food. I am able to walk in freedom regarding the choices I make around food and exercise. And I am so so grateful for the change that has occurred in my actions, and more importantly, my heart. I was a prisoner, in bondage to food and what it would do to the size of my body. My life revolved around controlling my food and punishing my body with exercise. Whew! What a relief that is no longer my life!

As part of the intuitive eating process, I let go of the dieting facade. I stopped believing the lie that I could control my weight through "trying hard enough" and limiting my food choices. I realized that my constant thoughts about food, cravings for sweets, and episodes of overeating were a direct result of restricting the foods I wanted and not giving my body enough energy. I started to trust that my body would regulate its weight through regulating my appetite, cravings for food, and desires for movement. I didn't freak out when I overate because I knew my body would naturally compensate later during the day, week, or month (so I didn't have to). But I also let go of the idea of having a perfectly chiseled body with very little body fat. I had to, in a way, mourn the body that I had for so long strived to achieve. I came to realize that the only way to achieve that body was through severe restriction and agonizing time at the gym. I decided I would rather have a life and freedom over that elusive, perfect body. 

Over the last year I've let go of the reigns when it comes to food and exercise. I've decreased the amount and intensity of what I do. I listen to it when its tired. I notice when something is hurting. I also listen to my cravings and eat food that satisfies my mouth, body, and mind. And as a result, my body has changed. I have gained weight and am less toned. For some of you, that idea is absolutely terrifying. It freaked me out too for 8 long years. But I've come to realize that there are more important things in life than what my body looks like. I don't even know if this current size is my body's new normal size. I'm not exactly sure where my weight is going to end up, but I am confident that it will stabilize and that whatever that weight is it will be healthy for me because I am taking care of my body. 

Not my original quote. I first saw this quote on Maddie Moon's instagram.

I'm not going to say it's been the easiest or that I absolutely love my body. I've definitely had to process through these changes. And there are times that my husband has to remind me to speak truths to myself rather than the harsh lies I'm buying into. Changing the way I see my body is something that I've had to work on and will continue to work on with regards to helping me to accept my new, healthy body size. A few of my thoughts as I've been on this journey?

The first is just that. My body (and mind) are finally healthy. For the first time since I was a sophomore in high school I am finally having a period without the help of hormones. A sophomore!! Physicians never seemed to think it was a big deal, but it's obvious to me now that my body wasn't spending energy on reproduction because I wasn't giving it enough food and was exercising too intensely. My Raynauds wasn't nearly as bad this winter and my toes were so much happier :-). Additionally, my body temperature regulation is SO much better. I actually enjoy it to be a little chilly now. These are things I have to remind myself of when I start to become dissatisfied with my new extra weight. I feel so much better physically in my body now. 

I've also had to come to the realization that it is unrealistic for me to expect to have the same sized body now as I did in high school. For goodness sakes! It's okay for me to have a woman's body, because that's what I am, a woman, not a girl. I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty for allowing my body to be the size it is supposed to be at this stage in life. Eating disorders often onset during adolescent years when our body's are changing and maturing. We need to do a better job of preparing girls for puberty and having different bodies and of letting them know that these new bodies are good. 

When I look in the mirror and I see my now larger arms or slightly bigger love handles, I remind myself what it represents. It doesn't represent laziness, being out of control, being less valuable, a source of shame or disgust, etc. It represents my new life and all of its experiences. It represents cozy coffee dates with a friend (or by myself), spontaneous walks to braums for ice cream with my husband, going to social situations and not worrying ahead of time about the food or bringing my own, sleeping in on Saturday mornings, and trying new foods and new experiences. It represents LIFE. What a beautiful reminder to have with me all the time. 

I haven't had to buy new clothes yet, but I am definitely noticing a difference in the way that my pants fit. I've been wearing more stretchy pants or tights to work because jeans are less comfortable. I plan to buy new clothes to fit my body. Unlike what our society says, I'm not "giving up" or "accepting defeat" by being okay with my new size, getting rid of too small clothing, and buying new clothes. Instead, I'm choosing to respect my body by covering it with comfortable and stylish clothes that make be feel good both physically and emotionally.  

It's okay that my body has gotten bigger--I forced it to be too small for far too long. And it's okay for your body to get bigger or softer too. Being healthy doesn't mean that we have to have a certain BMI or body fat percentage. I can tell you that I am the healthiest I have ever been physically, mentally, and emotionally, and that is all the result of easing up on food and exercise and gaining weight. Being healthy does mean that I feed my body the types and amounts of foods that is right for it in that moment, that I move my body in a way that energizes, strengthens, or relaxes me, that I connect with those around me, and that I have the freedom to do the things I truly want to do because my body is no longer holding me back. How about we pursue that kind of health together, regardless of what that means our waist size will be. 

P.S. Listening to Intuitive Eating podcasts such as Food Psyche, Nutrition Matters, or the Love Food podcasts and following body positive/HAES/IE people on instagram (rather than people posting pictures of themselves in bikinis 🙄) played a huge role as well!